Think of a great conversation you recently had. What made it great? Didn’t you just “get” each other? You were on the same page, resonating with each other, right? Now, think of a recent conversation that was tough or painful. Wasn’t it a challenge to even feel heard and understood?
What you experienced in those conversations was the presence (or lack) of agreement. Agreement is the power behind community with others, and community is the foundation of what it means to be the Body of Christ. The Greek word for agreement is the root of our word symphony, a beautiful picture of unity in diversity, where different instruments playing different notes create something bigger and more beautiful than any one of them could accomplish alone.
Our unity with other believers—in other words, our ability to interact with love—is no small issue in the Church. Our ability to love each other is the very mark of the disciple (Jn. 13:34–35). And I would suggest that one of the biggest foundations to having (or destroying) that kind of love and unity is something that sounds simple, but is actually quite challenging to master—how we talk to others. At home or at work, whether we need to make a decision, help someone out, or share the Good News of Christ, how we converse matters. Conversations can have eternal consequences.
Since this is the case, doesn’t it make sense to learn where we so often go wrong in conversations, and how we can self-correct and choose the way of love instead? It’s my aim to give you one such tool to empower your conversations and so build your potential for Kingdom impact.
The Persistent Problem of Agendas
One critical yet often overlooked aspect of conversation is learning to pay attention to agendas. Here in Russia, where my family and I have been since 2007, I've thought and taught a lot about the critical role of agendas in relationships. I've come to the conclusion that paying attention to seemingly innocuous conversational agendas is one of the most important ways of letting God transform our hearts, relationships, and to give us favor in the world.
We all bring our agendas to any conversation. Even the desire to “shoot the breeze” about nothing at all is an agenda. Agendas are value-driven. That is, we set an agenda based on our values, so agendas imply what is important to us.
Often in conversation we become absorbed with ourselves (our agendas). As a result, instead of listening, we...
...relate the conversation silently back to ourselves.
...bring our own interests (agendas) into the conversation.
...lead the discussion in a direction that serves our interests.
Sound familiar? Such a conversation can be coined a “conversation of conflicting agendas” because there is a subtle (or overt) fight over the purpose of the conversation.
Let’s say that I have something against you, but when I try to talk to you about it, you come back with what you have against me in the same situation. Two people can be talking about the same topic, but their reasons for talking about it may be in stark contrast to each other.
Being able to discern when this kind of conflicting agenda is happening can take practice, especially when you are one of the participants. I continue to “catch” myself, especially in conversations with my family members, asserting my agenda unilaterally, bogging the conversation down, or worse.
The Solution
Once I realize that you and I have conflicting agendas, either I need to let go of my agenda temporarily and listen to yours to find agreement, or I need to talk to you to decide who will yield. Jesus himself implores us to lay down our agendas when in conflict with a brother so as to address his concern (Mt. 5:23). Then we can return to our agenda and win our brother (Mt. 18:15). On whom does this responsibility fall? The one who recognizes it and is willing to do so. This is maturity. Not all agenda conflicts arise from wrong motives. The key is how we handle the conflict when we become aware of it.
What’s at stake is nothing less than our witness to the world. Jesus prayed that our unity would be the very thing that would convince the world of who Christ is (Jn. 17:21). Jesus taught, saying, “This is my commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life [agenda] for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you” (Jn. 15:12–14).
Why is it so hard to lay down our agendas? Because we don’t trust that our Father always has a good, even if different, agenda for us:
Come now, you who say, ‘Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit.’ Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow…. Instead, you ought to say, ‘If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that.’ (Jas. 4:13–15)
While it’s easy to say that God’s agenda is always more important than mine, the real issue is not that God wants to impose his agenda on us. He has made us to co-reign with him, so he is looking to enter into agreement with us about how to live and rule. God gladly submits to us, just as a parent is more than happy to give a child greater freedom who knows how to use that freedom within the bounds the parent has set. And so it is in relationships with others. Submitting to one another, and God, in love, we find the perfect agreement that is the three stranded cord that is impossible to break (Ecc. 4:12).
Jesus’s Example
Jesus had to deal with many agenda conflicts in conversation. He often used these conflicts as opportunities to point people toward God’s agenda. Look at the following conversations:
As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. And his disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he would be born blind?” Jesus answered, “It was neither that this man sinned, nor his parents; but it was so that the works of God might be displayed in him. (Jn. 9:1–3)
Here, Jesus does not change the disciples' agenda, but he does answer outside the paradigm of the disciples.
And his mother and brothers came to him, and they were unable to get to him because of the crowd. And it was reported to him, “Your mother and your brothers are standing outside, wishing to see you.” But he answered and said to them, “My mother and my brothers are these who hear the word of God and do it.” (Lk. 8:19–21)
In this case, Jesus’s family had an agenda in conflict with that of Jesus. Using their subject matter of “mother and brothers” as a hinge, he cleverly changes the direction of the conversation in a way that we might find inconsiderate! Here, we see Jesus’s wisdom in engaging a conflict. For the conflict was initiated by them, not Jesus. Their request was a request for Jesus to change directions (agendas) and accept their priority as his priority. Jesus’s answer is that, given the choice, he values spiritual family first. He had an agenda already in process—teaching. His value was investing in his spiritual brothers and sisters, so he saw nothing that made him feel the need to change agendas.
There’s more than one good way to respond to a conversation of conflicting agendas. As we see in the table below, there are actually four ways to respond, and Jesus used all four. At times he acknowledged the conflict and at others he seems to have ignored it; in some cases he changed the agenda and took the conversation in a new direction, and other times he did not.
Russia is a culture where speaking is valued more than listening. I'm afraid the U.S. is rapidly becoming such a culture. Honor, deference, seeking the treasures in others, and building consensus are dying arts. It seems that many, even Christians, no longer believe that agreement is possible. Only the Trinity gives a grounding for unity (agreement) in diversity (Spirit-ordained differences). Moreover, it was Christ who gave us the example of dying to his agenda (“not my will”) for the sake of God's. And God's agenda is no less than the reconciliation of the whole world.
A radical refocusing on the quality of our relationships, including the way we listen and honor each other in conversation, has been very effective for our ministry here in Russia. The fruit among those who have put this into practice is diverse: far fewer conflicts, restored family relationships, authentic Christian community, and new ability to listen to and engage those far from God. One pastor we work with is completely rebuilding his church on the foundation of learning how to listen to God and each other.
Next Steps
Talking is almost as natural as walking, but what if you realize you have a “limp”? Don’t despair! Christ in you, the hope of glory (Col. 1:27), knows your weaknesses, and is ready to live through you in every area of life.
Ask the Lord to help you slow down to pay attention to your conversations and the heart behind them. Ask forgiveness for assuming that the way you talk is the only way you can talk! The love of God is ready to overflow from within you.
Here are a few suggestions:
Next time a conversation you are in bogs down, if appropriate, stop and say, “I'm sorry. I'm learning how to honor others in conversation, and I suspect we are going in two different directions. Can we clarify what we each want here?”
Journal and talk about such conversations with God. What did you want? Why was it so important to you? What are you afraid of letting go of? What if the other person never lets go of his or her agenda?
Study the verses and passages mentioned in this post. Find situations in your life that match, or that stand in contrast. Journal and talk with God about what he wants you to learn and apply.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Lyle Thomas and his family live in Russia and have been with Novo for 12 years. His focus is leadership training and building intentional Christian missional communities. Lyle has written a book for husbands, Becoming Mr. Ephesians, and is implementing a curriculum he wrote for the development of intentional missional community, including the development of a board game around the principles of biblical communication. For more information about getting this training for your church or small group, contact Lyle.