I had never heard from God so clearly in my entire life, sitting there on my couch in the midst of an ordinary day. In what felt like an eternity and yet no time at all, God spoke to me about my identity, about my future, and about intercession. Here was God, so clearly other, speaking to me.
This strong sense of God speaking is the deep desire of those of us who get tired of the whispers and aren’t sure we can trust them.
I believed what I heard, this glimpse of what was to come. And then I waited.
And waited.
I looked for evidence that it would actually happen.
And waited.
Then I beat myself up for not having enough faith.
But then I remembered I’m only human and tried to practice self-compassion.
And then I waited some more.
I got mad at God for telling me something that had become painful in its unfulfillment.
And then I kept waiting, vacillating in and out of faith, anger, doubt, self-compassion, and fatigue.
Throughout this year of waiting, I have had a constant companion in the form of a question that never feels too far away: “Was that actually God? Or was that me?”
Whose Voice?
For those of us trying to follow Jesus and listen for Holy Spirit, this question can begin to color our entire lives. At its heart, this question is one of discernment—a sifting apart of the dynamics at play to determine the quality of something, or in this case, its source. Even if what we’ve heard passes the basic tests for recognizing God’s voice (Does it line up with scripture? Is the fruit of it in line with God’s character and desires?), the question of whether it was really God or us can be paralyzing.
As I sought an answer, I began to take issue with the very premise of the question. I came to believe that is it God or is it me presents a false dichotomy.
Jesus makes it pretty clear that we are meant for union with God, to be one with the Trinity. “On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you” (John 14:20). There are other references to the idea that we are becoming one with God. For example, the Apostle Paul talks about how “we have the mind of Christ” (1 Corinthians 2:16b).
These verses lead me to think that perhaps God’s words to us sound familiar and like our own thoughts because our spirit and Holy Spirit are communing. There are two dynamics at work here: First, God uses our own language in speaking to us, in ways that feel very familiar and like our own thoughts. Second, the more we become like Jesus and abide in him, the more we begin to think and feel in ways similar to God. After all, when you know someone really well, you can generally tell what they’re thinking or what they might say.
So instead of asking myself is this God or is this me, I choose to acknowledge that what I hear will always be a little bit me and a little bit God. That is the beauty and mystery of relationship with a God who chooses to co-create, a God who chooses to dwell in people, a God who became embodied. The Divine and the dust interweave until it becomes less clear where one begins and the other ends.
My answer (it’s both!) may feel like a cop-out, but I really believe it’s true and have found that it takes off some of the pressure in discernment. Assuming that what I’ve heard reflects the character of God and does not seem like the enemy, I’ve learned to trust that God is speaking, even when it just feels like me.
Discerning the Implications of What You Hear
Though I had answered my question, I knew that my discernment process wasn’t over. If what I hear is a bit God and a bit me, then I need to explore the part that was a bit me to discern the nature of the word. The reality of being human is that not everything comes from a healthy, centered place. I’m influenced by wounds from my past, other people’s expectations, lies I’ve believed, and my own fears, to name a few examples. This isn’t a bad thing in of itself, but it does mean that I need to pay attention to those areas as I discern what I heard from God. More often than not, the word is not directive, but is actually God’s way of inviting me into deeper healing and restoration!
It can be hard to know where to start when exploring what I’ve heard in prayer. The practice of simply asking myself questions has helped me immensely in discerning the nature of a word. Below are a few questions I like to use:
What story does this tell about God? About myself? About others? Do those stories have love at the center of them?
What kind of fruit does this word produce? Can I see the fruit of the Spirit in the word?
Does this line up with a wounding I have or a belief I have about myself or someone else?
Generally, as I take time with what I’ve heard in prayer and question the implications, God’s invitation becomes clear. For example, if I were to hear in prayer that I needed to change my job, it might not mean that I literally need to get a new job—it might be God showing me something about myself. As I pray into it more and ask myself questions, I might discover that my desire to change jobs is rooted in a low-grade restlessness. God and I then explore those feelings together, resulting in a greater peace. In this example, while the idea of changing jobs was a little bit me, it was also a little bit God, drawing awareness to an area Trinity wanted to heal.
By discerning the nature of the word in this way, we can enter a deeper level of awareness and engage the complexity and nuance of our humanity and God’s invitations. The more we do this, the easier it becomes to discern what God is doing or speaking in the moment.
The Invitation In That Tricky Question
Though the question of “is it God or me?” has been a hard one for me, I’ve come to value it for what it reveals. The question always points me to something I’m believing about myself and/or God; it’s a symptom of a deeper belief that needs to come into the light. Again, asking myself questions helps immensely: What in me needs to know that it’s God and not me? What need is driving me to find the answer?
Sometimes the answers come easier when I make myself finish a sentence.
I need to know that God spoke this to me because…
… I don’t trust myself to be able to make a good choice.
… I want to know that I’ll be ok. If God said it, then God will protect me.
… then I don’t have to feel so responsible. This is God’s idea, not mine.
… I don’t want to look like a fool.
It’s a pretty revealing exercise, isn’t it? Every time, my soul stares up at me off the page. I learn so much about what I actually believe in the core of who I am, which is so often not the “right” belief or even what I thought I believed. It is grace that God gave me a word that stirred up the ways of my heart so that we could explore them together. This is sacred work, the work of the Spirit, bringing healing into places that I hadn’t seen before and inviting me into truths that liberate and cultivate life.
Back to my initial story—I’m still waiting on what I heard, but with much greater peace these days. I’ve been able to release the fear that was compelling my urgent need to know it was God and have come to a place of peace that God and I are in this together, independent of the outcome. Once I remembered that this word was partly me and partly God, I felt greater freedom to explore all the possibilities of what it might have meant, beyond a literal interpretation. As I continue to sit with what I heard and pray about it, God keeps revealing beliefs I’ve kept hidden, even from myself—freeing me to live a better, truer story of a love that is so much bigger and more inclusive than I ever could have dreamed.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Alison Moscoso has been with Novo since 2014. She lives in Chicago and serves with the ChurchNEXT team ReWire, which equips Christ-followers to deepen their spiritual journey, develop a sense of calling, and live as missionaries in their communities.