Understanding and Choosing a Spiritual Friend, Spiritual Companion, Spiritual Director, or Spiritual Formation Coach
I have always liked taking on big physical challenges. Summiting the mountain peaks of each state highpoint (48 states), Half Dome (55 times), and Mt. Whitney (20 times) has brought many opportunities for both physical and spiritual adventures. My favorite outdoor activity is taking groups hiking up Half Dome (8,839 feet) in Yosemite Valley. There are many parallels between a hiking journey and our spiritual journey, and these physical challenges have helped me learn many spiritual lessons.
One of the parallels I’ve discovered is the immense benefit of having a fellow spiritual traveler on the journey. There are many Christian circles discussing the benefits of having a spiritual companion, director, or “trail guide” in order to grow deeper in our relationship with Jesus. Here are a few of the benefits I have observed:
Expertise
A guide has traveled the trail before and knows the way through difficult terrain. On Half Dome, hikers will reach the infamous cable section (400 feet of 45 degree incline), and seeing this challenge, some decide to turn back. A guide helps you face the difficulty before you and provides the encouragement you need to continue. Half Dome is less a physical challenge than a mental one. This is also true of our spiritual life. Barriers to growth often come from patterns of thinking and relating to life that can be overcome with the encouragement of a guide.
Objectivity
On their own, some hikers don’t know what they don’t know. A spiritual director or trail guide can gently let you know your blind spots, giving you new perspective and providing insights that you would not have otherwise. Many a hiker starts Half Dome with new boots, not realizing that their hike will become an excruciating slog once blisters develop from shoes that haven’t been broken in. Another newbie mistake is not taking enough water on the journey. So many spiritual travelers run out of water and walk the trail of life dehydrated and barely surviving. A spiritual director or trail guide knows where the hidden springs are located and can help you find pure water to quench your thirst.
Empowerment
An effective spiritual director or trail guide does not do the work for you. Rather, they empower you to do what only you can do. They give you encouragement at just the right time to continue on to the summit. They help you find the “want to” deep within yourself, giving you the strength you need. A spiritual guide will help you find the right trail, but they know that you have to make your own decisions and walk the journey yourself.
Training
Your trail guide can help you prepare for the demands of the journey. Just knowing early in the hiking season that you need to get in shape because the date for a challenging climb is set becomes an incentive to exercise regularly. Similarly, meeting on a monthly basis with a spiritual director creates a set time for reflection and accountability. Physical exercise prepares us for physical summits, and regular spiritual exercise, spurred on by our director, prepares us for the spiritual summits we face in life.
How to Choose the Right Fellow Traveler
I trust you’re starting to see the reasons why I encourage believers to find a fellow traveler for their spiritual journeys. However, there are different kinds of fellow travelers you can choose. Some are like hiking buddies; others are more like sherpas who help you to the top of Mt. Everest. To assist you in choosing the right companion for your journey, here’s a short description of the different kinds of relationships available for our spiritual growth.
1. Spiritual Friend (Prayer Partner)
A spiritual friend is someone who we feel a connection to and shared chemistry with—a peer we covenant with to meet or call on a regular basis (weekly or monthly) to share our lives and concerns. We then pray together for each other as requested. This relationship is based upon listening and encouragement with no advice given. Mutual participation is the hallmark of the time shared together. Face to face is preferred but not required. With the advent of computer video conferencing (e.g. Skype, Vsee, Zoom) this spiritual friend can be located anywhere in the world. Mutual encouragement and shared accountability is the hallmark of this relationship.
2. Spiritual Companion (Soul Friend)
A spiritual companion is someone who is venturing together with you on a deep spiritual journey. The role specifically is to be a support and sounding-board for what is happening in your life and soul in your spiritual walk with Jesus. The topics of conversation often center on discerning how the Lord is working in your life and what may be the next steps in your spiritual journey. You covenant to support each other in discerning Jesus’s voice and direction for your life. This soul friend is on the same shared path of spiritual growth and development with Jesus. As with a spiritual friend, you listen, encourage, and then pray for one another; this shared relationship is peer to peer and each takes a turn in the role of spiritual listener. However, the spiritual companion relationship takes things deeper than the prayer partner relationship by asking the other, “What is God trying to say to you? And what is your next step in your spiritual journey?”
3. Spiritual Director (Spiritual Mentor)
This is a relationship with the mentee as the student and the mentor as the guide. The guiding is subtle and often unspoken; the spiritual director shares from their own spiritual journey and experience. The role of a spiritual director is to continue to bring back the conversation to the question, “What is God saying and how does this apply to your spiritual journey?” Some even call this spiritual relationship a three way conversation with the mentee, mentor, and Jesus. The spiritual director is not a peer but a guide and wise sage with the focus on the mentee and their spiritual process. The central role of the spiritual director is to empower the directee to see for themselves the spiritual truths and spiritual guidance that Jesus is providing. This relationship is not one of peers sharing but of a teacher with a student who is learning to become a teacher.
4. Spiritual Formation Coach (Spiritual Trainer)
A spiritual formation coach provides the same listening skills, discernment, and encouragement as a spiritual director but takes a more directive approach, with homework assigned. One tool that is often used by a formation coach is posing just the right question for the directee to ponder for the next session. Sometimes action steps are given when appropriate. The role of a spiritual formation coach is similar to a sports coach who doesn’t do the actual playing of the game but equips each player with the skills necessary to win. A spiritual formation coach has the experience and wisdom to know what, how, and when to share spiritual wisdom and insights about the coachee’s relationship with Jesus Christ.
As a Christian desiring to grow deeper in your relationship with Jesus, any of the above four relationships will help you grow. Each person deciding which of the four relationships mentioned is right for them needs to consider their temperament, life stage, and how much energy they have to invest. There is less engagement and energy involved in having a spiritual friend or spiritual companion, and more focus and intense participation with a spiritual director or a spiritual formation coach.
Personally, my spiritual life took a great leap forward when I invited a spiritual director to travel with me. Finally I could see the patterns that were blocking my spiritual growth. The two years I invested in spiritual direction were pivotal in bringing me to deeper places in my spiritual journey.
During the last six years I have had the amazing experience of working with a spiritual formation coach, which has been a very focused and intense time of spiritual discovery and personal healing. The insights and wisdom gleaned from my spiritual formation coach have brought me to deeper places in my relationship with Jesus. I have finally moved to the sacred depths in my relationship with Jesus Christ that I had always longed for but were seemingly out of reach.
As you’re trying to discern the right fellow traveler in your spiritual journey, ask yourself these questions: Where am I at in my relationship with Jesus Christ? Would I like to go to deeper places with him? Which of the four relationships mentioned seem right for me at this season of my life, with my present level of commitment and the amount of energy I have to invest?
Finding Your Fellow Traveler
Pray for discernment. With option #1 or #2 you may already have that person in your life. Sometimes God sends this person directly to you; at other times you may remember a longtime friend who may be ready for this kind of covenant relationship.
Finding a spiritual director or spiritual formation coach is more complex. Start with asking people you respect for suggestions. Ask your pastor or ministry colleagues who they recommend. Many Catholic Retreat centers have directors related to their location. There are times that a director or coach from a different Christian tradition brings freshness to your relationship with God.
Whichever relationship you choose, give yourself at least two or three meetings to decide if the right chemistry is there and if this is the right person God has for you in that role. Don’t be surprised if it takes some time to find just the right person. Please keep trying, as the rewards are profound and well worth the effort!
Final Words for the Journey
Even as an experienced trail guide there have been times in my hiking journey when I knew I needed a guide myself. When attempting to hike Mount Granite (13,809 feet), the high point of Montana, my group hired two trail guides to provide the expertise to summit. With four pitches of rock climbing, this mountain was beyond my comfort level. In the same way, though I often assist others in their spiritual journeys, I have sought out my own spiritual directors. In life, as on the trail, there are times we need to find others who have more expertise and our more familiar with the trail we are on. Seeking a spiritual director or trail guide is not a sign of weakness but an indicator of strength. With their wise assistance we can reach new heights in our hiking journeys and go to profound depths in our spiritual lives.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Tom Hillman is a member of the ChurchNEXT team, Imago Christi, which is a spiritual formation community dedicated to helping people experience the love of God. He regularly leads groups in outdoor adventures of hiking, cycling, and kayaking. Tom and his wife co-pastor Burlingame United Methodist Church in the San Francisco Bay Area.